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Example of a Tragedy

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” asked the President.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident and it definitely wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”

Walk the Line

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”
“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”
“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”
“Fine then, just walk this white line.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”

0 to 200 in 6 Seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. This made his wife really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Since, Bob has been missing. Pray for him.

"Generous" Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Alligator Shoe

A young blond was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blond shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blond turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blond flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Buy a Ticket!

There was a blond woman named, Cindy, that was in deep financial problems. So she got on her knees and prayed "Dear God, please let me win the lottery. I really need your help or I'll loose my car, the house, and everything else." She doesn't win. The next day she prays to God, "God! I really really need your help! I'll loose my car, the house, and everything else." Once again, she doesn't win. The next day she says the same prayer; then God speaks to her "Cindy! work with me here, BUY A TICKET!!"

Horrific Accident

A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blond chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blond began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

You've got Mail!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!"

New Cell Phone

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband. The next day she goes to Wal-Mart and her phone rings, so she answers it. It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?" She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

If Microsoft Made Cars

The radio would be computerized, but you'd need to install 64 Meg of RAM, a new sound card, a game card, a new video driver, a CD drive, and type C:radiotalkrush*.* to get it to play.

The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50.

You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.

Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail?"

For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.

The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for "Brake".

A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year.

They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.

We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.

The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.

Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.

You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.

Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.

Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.

People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years.

Lipstick Issue

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 P.M... They gathered at 2 P.M. and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day that the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

No More Child Support

Today's my daughter's 18th birthday! I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got here, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your Mama's house; you tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression she had on her face." So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the ex had to say and how she took it. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Well now... what did she have to say?" Then my baby girl said, "She told me to tell you that you aren't my Daddy."

Intelligent Blond

There was a blond who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept bugging the blond wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blond could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blond reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blond handed him $5. Then the blond asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" The lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blond $50.00. The blond put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blond handed him $5.

Unanswered Questions

1. After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
2. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?
5. How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
6. How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
7. How young can you die of old age?
8. Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?
9. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
10. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
12. If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
13. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
15. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
16. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
17. If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?
18. What if there were no hypothetical situations?
19. Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
20. Will your answer to this question be no?
21. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?
22. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are dressing up as mattresses?
23. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
24. Is there another word for synonym?
25. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
26. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
27. If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?
28. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
29. If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?
30. Do good S&M fans go to Hell?
31. If swimming's such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?
32. If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?
33. How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?
34. Could God make a burrito so hot he couldn't eat it?
35. Do we make bombs better or worse?
36. Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
37. If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?
38. Can you learn to read from a "Reading for Dummies" book?
39. If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go? Do you get change?
40. If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress?
41. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
42. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
43. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
44. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
45. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
46. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
47. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
48. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
49. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
50. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
51. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
52. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
53. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
54. If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a song about it?
55. Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
56. If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
57. Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls?
58. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
59. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
60. Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed," when afterward, it doesn't work anymore?
61. If a drug store is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors?
62. If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose?
63. Why can't Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Socket be friends?
64. Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
65. If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage situation?
66. Why was the Holy Roman Empire neither holy nor Roman?
67. If a tree falls on a mime in the woods, and there's no one there to hear it, does the mime make a sound?
68. What is the speed of darkness?
69. If a man washes a dish, and no woman is around to see it, did it happen?
70. Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?
71. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
72. Do three headed fire dragons have heated arguments with themselves?
73. Why exactly is there a snow-globe with summer scenes?
74. What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on strike?
75. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?
76. Why is minimalism such a big word?
77. If buttered bread always lands on the butter-side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap buttered bread to a cat's back?
78. What'd happen if the man took the advimil and the woman took the viagra?
79. Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can't they just get taller women?
80. Do fish get thirsty?
81. If you learn from mistakes, why aren't I a genius?
82. Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?
83. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
84. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
85. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
86. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
87. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
88. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
89. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
90. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
91. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
92. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
93. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
94. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
95. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
96. Why do banks leave both doors open, yet they chain pens to the countertops?
97. Why do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet soda?
98. Why is there Braille on drive-through ATM machines?
99. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
100. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?
101. If a building is on fire, and you make more fire, would it be considered making the fire worse or better?
102. Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
103. How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?
104. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
105. What do blind people see in their dreams?
106. Whats Faster, Light or Dark?
107. Can you get cornered in a round room?
108. How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?
109. Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
110. Do stairs go up or down?
111. If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?
112. Why do people wash their bath towels when you're clean when you use them
113. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
114. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
115. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
116. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
117. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
118. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
119. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 120. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
121. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
122. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
123. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
124. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
125. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
126. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
127. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
128. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

You Know You're Addicted to PSP When...

You go to a hairdresser and ask to get your hair cut in raster layers.
You burn down your house and look for the Undo button.
The power goes out, you try to increase the brightness and contrast of the room you're in.
You have nightmares about the .gif monster.
You move into a new house and wish you could increase the canvas size of your bedroom.
Decorating your new room, you Posterize and put up Blinds.
Painting your house, you wish you could use the Flood Fill tool.
You try to colorize your clothes instead of buying them in different colors.
You get bored in school, you imagine your teacher's face being warped.
Your class plays dodgeball in gym, you search for the Dodge tool so you won't get hit.
People talk, you imagine a text box floating over their head.
You wonder what your breakfast would look like as a custom brush.
You can't read someone's handwriting, you attempt to zoom in.
You give a friend a book of hex color codes for her birthday.
You try to use the Magic Wand tool to get people you don't like to disappear.
You have more fonts than hairs on your head.
You look at the sky on a rainy day and wish it was #36D1F8.
The magnets on your refrigerator are arranged by saturation and brightness.

Dumb Police

A blond cop stops a blond motorist and asks for her driving license. The motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer." The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blond motorist gives the mirror to the blond cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

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